"Orgasm is the great word-eater. It only allows moaning, howling, inhuman expression, but not words," said French sexologist and researcher Valérie Tasso.
Just like my first kiss or the first time I saw the sea, I remember perfectly when and with whom the first sexual orgasm in my life was, the one that made me roll my eyes and caused my body to writhe as if possessed by some demon of pleasure.
There was definitely a before and after in my sexual life thanks to that orgasm, or as some call it: "little death." I knew that everything would change from that moment on and I was looking forward to the next encounter with that boyfriend who practiced sexual tantra and yoga. He taught me to breathe, to let go and let the pleasure run through every fiber of my body, without stopping it.
After several sessions I realized that I could have not only one, but several orgasms. I even realized that it was not necessary to have penetration to achieve one. Today, at 39 years old, I live and celebrate the Orgasm with pleasure, with a capital O.
Last Monday, August 8th, International Female Orgasm Day was celebrated. What a wonderful date, it is a fact that definitely deserves a day, what am I saying a day, a year of celebrations. Because it is precisely with it that a woman experiences absolute pleasure in its entirety, where she merges with everything: the universe is small in her eyes at that moment.
Hoping that everyone celebrated that day in depth, I also wonder how many women fake an orgasm to please their partner, out of boredom or pressure; in addition to all those who have never felt one, or others who are denied pleasure for religious and dogmatic reasons.
According to the sexologist Beatriz Literat, almost 60 percent of women fake orgasms so as "not to disappoint their partner," while 24 percent have never had one or have difficulty achieving one.
She also points out that "the female orgasm is often a challenge and a conflict. In addition to the women who fake it and those who do not climax, there is a high percentage who confess that the pre-orgasmic sensation is so unbearable that they decide to stop the love game."
The sexologist at the Halitus Medical Institute in Buenos Aires, Argentina, explains that these figures do not speak of a woman's inability to find within herself the physiological reflection of her own sexual response, but rather are a consequence of maintaining the belief that self-exploration is inappropriate and that women have to discover their sexuality with their partner.
And, he points out, about 70 percent of women can reach orgasm alone, while 57 percent can reach orgasm in heterosexual intercourse.
But after all this, what is orgasm?
According to the renowned doctor and sexologist Sandrine Atallahorgasm is a pleasurable result of sexual encounters.
Etymologically, the word orgasm comes from the Greek orgaô, which means "to bubble with sap and ardor."
But physically, orgasm translates into between 3 and 15 involuntary contractions in the external third of the vagina, accompanied by strong contractions that start in the lower part of the uterus - fundus - towards the cervix and contractions of the internal and external sphincters from the anus.
From a psychological point of view, Atallah adds, orgasm corresponds to the peak of sexual pleasure followed by a very pleasurable relaxation; however, whether vaginal, clitoral, clitoral-vulvar or uterine-adnexal... there is only one orgasm, and it emanates from the brain.
And although pleasure is most often a brain response to physical stimuli, laboratory studies have shown that "an orgasm is an orgasm" and that they are all equal, regardless of how they are achieved, and have no correlation with mental health or emotional maturity.
And what do they say about orgasm?
«Yes, I remember two very well: I had one with a guy while he was giving me oral sex… ugh. I had the other one while I was high on marijuana – they were the most intense – and no, I don't think it's the man's job. It's an inside job, for the first one I needed to concentrate, but the one where I was high just flowed and I enjoyed it, it lasted longer than normal and I think it happened because I was relaxed,» said Gisela, 27 years old.
«In my opinion, orgasm is that little death that you have and in which, at the same time, you are reborn. At least that is what has happened to me, so intense and so subtle… It leaves you trembling and perhaps wanting another or others. The orgasm is for both parties and it is difficult to obtain, but it is reached in one way or another. In sexual matters, the most important thing is the preamble, without it your imagination does not fly. The communication of the person in question is very important, if there is no communication, it is only pretending and it is the one who follows,» Elena, 40 years old, told me.
When I was in high school, a “sexologist” came to give a talk at my school. The auditorium was packed. By then, I had already had my first sexual relations with my partner at the time, a very respectful and loving guy. And the truth is that they were very satisfying sexual relations. Let’s say that I already knew what an orgasm was, well. And my boyfriend made me come several times in a single session. But this “sexologist” went on to tell us, among other things, that the idea that women could have multiple orgasms was false, as was the idea that our orgasms lasted so long… that we had no idea and it was not physically possible,” Anna Lee Mraz, 36, told me.
She remembers perfectly that, leaving that conference, she became blocked. “When I left there, I became blocked. I became blocked, DAMN IT, and I couldn’t have orgasms for a long time. Afterwards, I went to another sexologist, the mother of a friend of mine, and she kind of tried to help me. But I think I didn’t open up to her because… well, she was my neighbor, right? It was a very long process to get my orgasms back. In the end, I managed it, but I was impressed for a long time by how powerful the words and convictions of people in positions of power are. So much so that they can change your mind, to the point of convincing you of something that you rationally don’t believe in.”
Demystifying orgasm
There are several myths surrounding orgasm that need to be debunked. Here are some of the most common ones:
Myth: People with vulvas should be able to orgasm through penetration alone.
In reality, most people with vulvas do not achieve orgasm from penetration alone. 2015 study in the Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy. asked 1,055 women aged 18 to 94 about their experiences with genital contact, sexual pleasure and orgasm. Only 18.4 percent of participants reported that they could achieve orgasm through intercourse alone.
In contrast, 3.6 percent of respondents said they needed clitoral stimulation to achieve orgasm. Finally, 36 percent indicated that clitoral stimulation may not be necessary to achieve orgasm, but it does enhance the orgasmic sensation.
Myth: Sexual partners should experience orgasm at the same time.
Despite what popular culture might have us believe, sexual partners often reach orgasm at different times. There's no reason to worry if you and your sexual partner don't reach orgasm at the same time. In fact, this situation can allow couples to take turns focusing completely on each other's sexual pleasure, which can be more pleasurable for everyone involved.
Myth: Good sex always ends in orgasm.
Sex can be satisfying and enjoyable even when it doesn't end in climax. Aspects of sex such as pleasurable foreplay, good communication, giving and receiving pleasure, and enhancing connection with your partner all contribute to a satisfying sexual experience.
Additionally, a good number of people experience anorgasmia, or the inability to reach orgasm. This doesn't mean they can't enjoy sex. Ironically, putting too much pressure on yourself to reach an orgasm can create anxiety around a sexual experience and actually decrease your chances of having one.
So while orgasms can be part of great sex, it's a good idea to remember that sex can still be great without one.
Myth: Fantasizing to achieve orgasm is abnormal and perverse.
Whatever the scenario imagined, fantasy does not reveal perversity or infidelity, it is just another means, a springboard to facilitate "disconnection" and letting go. It thus allows the level of mental arousal to be raised to reach the peak necessary for orgasm.
Fantasy is an enrichment of eroticism that allows us to eroticize, through imagination, the ultimate erogenous zone, which is the brain. Fantasy is a caress of the spirit, says Atallah.
Numbers around orgasm:
• 70 percent of women need to fantasize to be aroused, while 40 percent need to fantasize to orgasm.
• Around three-quarters of women achieve orgasm through the clitoris and 20 percent enjoy it through “simple” penetration.
• While men perceive that 85 percent of the women they had sex with achieved orgasm, only 15 percent of women 64 percent actually did.
• Women take 40 to 80 percent longer to reach orgasm than men.
- Nearly 60 percent of women usually reach orgasm during masturbation, while only 29 percent do so during sexual intercourse with another person. Another study claims that during masturbation, the probability of reaching orgasm can reach 95 percent.
• The women receiving oral sex are more likely to achieve orgasm.
• 20 percent of women are able to reach orgasm just by kissing or having oral sex with their partner, and a lucky 10 percent achieve it exercising.
Clitoris, the Holy Grail of Orgasm?
The clitoris is much larger than that little button hidden under its veil. In fact, it is formed by the meeting of 2 erectile bodies located mostly on either side of the entrance to the vagina, under the labia. Thus, penetration stimulates not only the anterior wall of the vagina, but also the clitoris…
So this complex and unique organ seems to be the filter of all sensory stimuli - vaginal, clitoral, vulvar, cutaneous... - that are transmitted to the "driver", which is none other than the brain.
However, Sandrine Atallah reports that “it is only when the conscious and unconscious parts of the brain are in harmony that the “order” is sent to the vagina to produce an orgasm by contraction… From this we deduce that any woman, throughout her life, can access different varieties and different experiences of orgasm, depending on her relationship with her own body, the image that her partner gives back to her, the place of sexuality in her life, her ability to “inhabit” her vagina and to “communicate” with it.”
"With the right interlocutor, being 25 or 75 years old doesn't change anything, and the maturity that is so often invoked doesn't come into play either," Atallah explains.
For women, unlike men, having sex and experiencing pleasure does not necessarily mean enjoying every moment, since not all the favorable conditions are always given to "let yourself go" with ecstasy, but this, fortunately, does not prevent you from enjoying a pleasant moment to share, relax and enjoy.
We must not forget that pleasure, a psychophysiological phenomenon, is a learning process and is not innate. And in the case of total anorgasmia, a work of self-discovery must be undertaken, alone, with a partner or in therapy.
In short, orgasm belongs to those who work for it, and it's okay if you don't reach it. The point is to enjoy it and have sessions of pleasure that comfort you and fill you with invigorating energy. Let's get to work.
Pamela Cruz. Editor-in-Chief of Peninsula 360 Press. A communications expert by profession, but a journalist and writer by conviction, with more than 10 years of experience in the media. Specialized in medical and scientific journalism by Harvard and winner of the International Visitors Leadership Program scholarship from the U.S. government.
Twittter: @Pamesmiamiga
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