By Julia Tong.
Culture and language are among the barriers that prevent many Asian-American teens from discussing dating violence openly with their parents.
When Angela Kim first fell in love at age 16, teen dating violence was the last thing on her mind. Her boyfriend showered her with love, and she was in love with their whirlwind romance.
But then, she recalls, things suddenly started to take a turn: name calling, manipulative tactics, and eventually physical violence turned into an abusive three-year relationship.
“All these compliments started turning into insults. And all the great times we had together were now being overshadowed by his violent outbursts of anger," she recalls. "The signs of abuse, the signs that my relationship wasn't healthy, it was pretty quick in the relationship."
Kim is not alone, nor are her experiences unique. According to Youth.gov, 69.5 percent of women and 54 percent of men reported experiencing intimate partner violence before the age of 24. Up to 76 percent of teens reported experiencing emotional and psychological abuse in relationships.
Today, Kim is turning her "pain into passion," devoting her professional life to domestic violence prevention work at the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health and other community organizations. Many people she talks to, they say, don't understand the nature of the abuse and how abusers can keep victims under their control.
"I've heard questions like, 'How do you stay with someone who hurts you like that?'" she says. "And my answer has always been that an abuser is incredibly good at changing your logic to the point where your reality is no longer your own."
According to activists, the extensive use of social networks among adolescents creates unrealistic images of what a "perfect" romance is and allows for some manipulation tactics, such as forcing the victim to unfollow all other people in the same group. gender. Pop culture often romanticizes violence in movies like 365 Days.
Depictions of domestic violence are limited, often to adult white women experiencing physical abuse, preventing teens from recognizing signs of abuse in their own lives. And most schools have minimal courses that teach students red and green flags in relationships, signs of abuse, and consent.
"Is there a reason coercion, intimidation, and degradation work together? in an abusive relationship."
AsAmNews spoke to advocates and experts, including those on an Ethnic Media Services panel with youth activists, to understand teen dating violence in the Asian-American community, its signs, and how to ultimately prevent it.
These signs of abusive relationships are often not discussed in families or taught to young people, preventing victims from acknowledging that their relationship is abusive. And many other factors affect the prevalence of dating violence specifically among adolescents.
The COVID-19 pandemic only made these existing problems worse. Armaan Sharma, a student activist with Safe Alternatives to Violent Environments ?SAVE?, noted that quarantine and isolation caused major increases in mental health problems and social media use among adolescents, changing the ways in which dating violence manifests itself.
"Just as COVID has evolved with all its new variants, violence between adolescent couples has also evolved," he says.
"We fought for a vaccine, so we should fight for more prevention."
An open and respectful dialogue about dating and relationships between parents and teens is key to keeping kids safe in their relationships, says Armaan Sharma.
Kim's abuser, she said, used common abusive manipulation tactics to keep her trapped in the relationship. These included "love bombing," or showering the victim with overwhelming amounts of affection; control the victim through violence, anger and jealousy; monopolizing the victim's time, preventing him from maintaining ?non-romantic? with the rest; or insult them.
The result is a total collapse of the victim's self-esteem, self-esteem, and confidence.
“What people don't understand is that manipulation tactics work. There's a reason coercion, intimidation and degradation go together…in an abusive relationship,” she says.
These tactics culminate in a "cycle of domestic violence" that often keeps victims trapped in abusive relationships, he says. The cycle begins with a tense phrase, where the victim feels like they are walking on eggshells to prevent the abuser from getting angry.
But inevitably a violent incident happens. Later, however, the abuser will apologize and reconcile with the victim. This honeymoon phrase reminds the victim why she fell in love with the abuser; the abuser will also show remorse and responsibility, such as giving gifts or promising to go to therapy. Instead, however, the cycle repeats itself.
As a result, the victim will continue to be with the abuser, convinced that the violent incident was a one-off. And even if the victim decided to leave, Kim says, they would be in danger, as the abuser will try to maintain the relationship.
"Parents...need to understand that dating is something that could potentially be unavoidable."
Asian-American teens face additional barriers to opening discussions about dating, consent, and intimacy.
Many Asian American teens who are children of immigrants can find it especially difficult to report dating violence. They may feel especially pressured to succeed and show the positive parts of their life. The problems their parents faced coming to the United States seem to "outweigh" their own relationship problems.
Immigrant parents may also be unfamiliar with where to report teen dating violence when it occurs. And language differences can make it difficult for teens to even explain what's going on.
How do terms like domestic violence or love bombing or gaslighting translate into this language? It's hard," Kim says. "It's already such a touchy subject, and you don't know how your parents are going to react."
This lack of discussion is also prevalent among cultures with dating taboos, such as the South Asian community, Sharma notes. He notes that although Indian parents in America are generally more open to dating, there is still a "lack of dialogue" about relationships and teen dating violence.
"Parents, especially South Asian parents, need to understand that dating is something that could potentially be unavoidable," Sharma says. "That's where relationship education and team dating violence comes in, because I'm sure parents would rather have? children in secure relationships rather than insecure relationships.
The broader milieu of anti-Asian racism also plays a significant factor. East and Southeast Asian women, for example, are often hyper-fetishized and seen as subservient to violence and abuse.
However, the foundations of teen dating violence and abuse are also laid within the home. Many Asian elders do not show intimacy or talk about romantic relationships at all. But Kim points out that domestic violence, especially against women, is normalized and little talked about. And when abusive tactics are seen as a natural part of romantic relationships, they can be especially difficult to unlearn.
"Many women who grow up watching their own mothers abuse think it's normal because they never leave," Kim stresses.
So when you're experiencing something like an abusive relationship, you think, this must be normal. This was what love is. This is what marriage is, what is a relationship? And much of the responsibility to undo the damage? falls on women."
All of these factors make it difficult to initiate essential dialogues about intimate partner violence. Kim says that the Asian-American community is one of the most difficult for her to engage in conversations with. A central reason was the trial: when she shared her story, for example, it was often used as gossip or as an example of why children should avoid relationships or sex before marriage altogether.
"Instead of treating my story with compassion and care, my story was this example of why not engage in various behaviors," she recalls.
"Teen dating violence grips a town. It is not the adolescent's burden to carry it."
Megan Tanahashi, director of communications for the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, says teens understand their peers' experiences better than adults, making them excellent advocates for violence prevention.
Advocates say the key to combating teen dating violence is prevention.
Parents play a critical role in intimate partner violence prevention efforts. Kim recommends that parents start teaching kids about healthy boundaries and consent as soon as they can. Middle school is the ideal age to start conversations about relationships and intimacy. Doing so ensures that teens feel comfortable talking with their parents about any harm they experience.
However, Kim emphasizes, parents are not the only trusted adults who can intervene in cases of teen dating violence.
"It's not just parents, but other adults, educators, teachers, relatives, soccer coaches -- all of these people have a huge role to play as teen dating violence takes over a village. It is not the adolescent's burden to carry it."
Educators and schools are key to teaching young people about healthy and abusive relationships. But current curricula rarely cover these skills. Sharma remembers that only one class at her high school covered relationships; Sex education classes generally focus on sexually transmitted diseases and related topics. As a result, young people may not be able to recognize signs of abusive relationships in themselves or in their peers.
“Relationships are relevant to each person. I couldn't say the same about calculus," says Sharma. "So while teaching about relationships may not fall into the conventional norms of schooling in America, let alone anywhere else, those norms need to change."
Meanwhile, workshops like the "Building Healthy Relationships" training that Kim teaches in schools close that gap. "Building Healthy Relationships" covers red and green flags in relationships and teaches teens to recognize healthy and unhealthy behaviors. This allows them to not only recognize those flags in their own lives, but also to help their friends and colleagues.
A key part of the training, Kim says, is learning about consent and limits. Many teens don't know that consent still exists, even if they are in a relationship. As a result, they may feel pressured to do things they are not comfortable with. But because consent isn't taught in schools, Kim says, many teens she worked with didn't learn these important facts until they attended the training.
"There's this ideology where a lot of teens believe that if you're in a relationship, you have a right to the other person's body. And what they don't realize is that, even in a relationship, you own your own body," she says. "Consent doesn't just come freely."
Education is not only important to prevent teens from entering violent relationships, but also to prevent abusers from learning violent behavior in the first place. Teen dating violence is often framed as a “cycle of violence” in which hurting people hurt other people in turn. But Kim says the rhetoric detracts from the responsibility of abusers and the real causes of violent behavior.
According to her, a more accurate phrase is: "Violence is learned."
“Do they see their parents being abusive, do they see peers harassing each other, do they see depictions of violence or domestic violence in the media? and they learn that," he adds. And they may not see much repercussions? So they take those behaviors and replicate that violence, that cycle in other people in their lives."
The causes of teen dating violence are multifaceted, as are the ways to prevent it. In addition to education, Sharma stresses the importance of investing in mental health care and funding specific programs, especially in disadvantaged communities. However, it also notes that it is critical that everyone — not just youth, women, or people who identify as LGBT who are disproportionately affected by dating violence — participate in prevention efforts.
"We can't just stand by and watch our youth get hurt by these platforms and say, 'Oh well, there's nothing we can do about it now?'" he says. "No, there literally is. It's called prevention."
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788. The Hotline also offers education and support for young people. from 13 to 26 years old. They can be reached via live chat at www.loveisrespect.org, by phone at 1-866-331-9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.
This article was originally posted by AsAmNews.
This publication was supported in whole or part by funding provided by the State of California, administered by the California State Library.
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