Editorial staff. Peninsula 360 Press [P360P].
Wilma and Ricardo divorced this year after six months of confinement after spending 16 years sleeping in the same bed. They have a daughter, Carolina, three dogs, two parrots, two cats and an anthill they got Caro for her birthday.
Ricardo had an affair last year and, although they had decided to give each other one last chance, the confinement ended up annihilating what was left of their relationship.
Was it the affair or was it the confinement that ended up untying the bonds of love after so many years?
A study of married life during confinement and extramarital relationships addresses several topics, such as sex, stress, dating during a pandemic, thoughts about the future of marriage, monogamy, or divorce.
We give you 5 keys to manage your marriage and (possible) infidelity during the pandemic:
Be the one to initiate sex
Wear something sexy or something you know your partner likes. Start by looking for some kind of contact or throw a glance. Maybe some words that you know will trigger the other and incite play.
Being cooped up doesn't mean we spend the day like bunnies. The 58 % of married people who date outside of marriage comment that their spouse has not initiated any sexual intimacy during the quarantine. It is not surprising then that 75 % of cheaters have less sex than usual or no sex at all with their spouse.
When sex is so important, yet so unattainable in marriage, people will inevitably look elsewhere to get their needs met. Since confinement, married couples have had to spend the longest period together with their spouse, and without being able to leave! It is clear that the answer is in your hands, if sexual pleasure is not on the menu, they will go to another restaurant that does serve it... and hot.
Trust and instill confidence in your partner in times of uncertainty and stress, do not resort to third parties.
Ricardo felt anxiety, worry and fear, frustration and anger. Wilma felt boredom. But both felt discomfort and uncertainty brought on by the pandemic and confinement. With the bad news and the third wave the country is in, it's hard to stay positive.
However, Ricardo felt great relief at initiating his infidelity, it is a great distraction, something he longed for and something that allows him to maintain a sense of normalcy.
It could even be said that infidelity is a reliable form of self-care, for Ricardo, as his mood increased and he is not alone as this is the case for many infidels, according to the study on married life and infidelity during the pandemic.
It is the same with sex, if you do not open up with your partner and tell him/her your fears and uncertainties, your deepest desires and share your state of mind, you will have to deposit it somewhere else. In the same way, you must leave the door open so that your partner feels confident to deposit what he/she brings inside in you.
Only you are responsible for your happiness, not your partner.
The myth of the fairy tale where your spouse should be your main and only confidant, BFF (best friend forever), lover, haven of peace and also dress in blue to save you from every problem you face or on the other side, dress in pink and wait patiently, docile and quietly for the storm to pass; it must stop at once.
The pandemic has definitely changed the way we interact with each other, in some ways, for the better.
Avoiding contagion by COVID-19 leaves you with few alternatives, since the best thing to do is to stay at home and stay away from people, which makes it difficult to interact with your partner, as you tend to overload yourself to do absolutely everything with just one person. Those who are married have probably realized that they cannot depend on their spouse for everything, and this bubble is a way to meet their various needs.
Happiness can only be found in yourself, and burdening your partner with that responsibility will only aggravate the situation. Think that when you met you were happy, together yes, but you were happy before he or she came along. Besides, you owe it to yourself.
Another alternative to happiness
An alternative, with all the risks involved, could be to create a healthy social bubble for socializing and personal fulfillment. However, creating the bubble implies, necessarily, a previous selection and forces us to think about what we need and who can give it to us. When you are alone, who do you call? When you need fun, who do you want to see? When you want passion, who do you look for? Perhaps the answers indicate that it will be a different person for each situation.
There is no single person who can offer fulfillment in all aspects of life, not even a spouse. Perhaps the time has come to consider new ways of building sex-affective relationships where there is no longer room for monogamy.
Lara Ferreiro, a psychologist and expert in sexuality and couples therapy says:
In times of pandemic, it is the lover who is meeting the affective and sexual needs of many, not the partner. Even spending more time together than ever with their partner is not enough to match all that their lover offers them. They find in them not only a physiological outlet; their lover is their confidant and their main emotional support that helps them cope with the current situation at home. Monogamy is a concept that no longer works for many, and is beginning to be questioned and even revised?
Let's not talk about opening up your marriage, but what do we do about infidelity then? In the end, maybe the affair is a way to avoid divorce.
What a deception! Before the altar, one never promises to spend 24 hours a day every day glued to his or her partner without leaving the house.
Understandably, new tensions, stress and even some arguments at home have surfaced, as married couples now spend more time together since the confinement began than they ever have since they met. As a result, divorce inquiries have increased by as much as 25% according to The National Law Review. But cheaters go their own way; for them, divorce is the last thing on their minds and they thank their alternative relationship for it.
This was not the case for Wilma and Ricardo, who, after the deception, saw the only solution as to separate for good. But one cannot help but wonder if for many others, an affair, an affair, may not be the escape valve that is required, from time to time, to save the marriage.
