By Julia Tong.
Culture and language are among the barriers that prevent many Asian-American teens from speaking openly about dating violence with their parents.
When Angela Kim fell in love for the first time at 16, teenage dating violence was the last thing on her mind. Her boyfriend showered her with love, and she was smitten with their whirlwind romance.
But then, she recalls, things suddenly began to change: name-calling, manipulation tactics and eventually physical violence escalated into a three-year abusive relationship.
“All these compliments started turning into insults. And all the great times we had together were now being overshadowed by his violent outbursts of anger,” she recalls. “The signs of abuse, the signs that my relationship was not healthy, were pretty quick to surface in the relationship.”
Kim is not alone, nor are her experiences unique. According to Youth.gov, 69.5 percent of women and 54 percent of men reported experiencing intimate partner violence before age 24. As many as 76 percent of teens reported experiencing emotional and psychological abuse in relationships.
Today, Kim is turning her “pain into passion,” devoting her professional life to domestic violence prevention work at the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health and other community organizations. Many people she speaks to, she says, don’t understand the nature of abuse and how abusers can keep victims under their control.
“I’ve heard questions like, ‘How do you stay with someone who hurts you like that? ’” she says. “And my answer has always been that an abuser is incredibly good at changing your logic to the point where your reality is no longer your own.”
According to activists, the extensive use of social media among teenagers creates unrealistic images of what a “perfect” romance is and enables some manipulation tactics, such as forcing the victim to unfollow all other people of the same gender. Pop culture frequently romanticises violence in films such as 365 Days.
Depictions of domestic violence are limited, often to white adult women suffering physical abuse, preventing teens from recognizing signs of abuse in their own lives. And most schools have minimal courses that teach students red and green flags in relationships, signs of abuse, and consent.
"There's a reason coercion, intimidation and degradation work together... in an abusive relationship."
AsAmNews spoke with advocates and experts, including those on an Ethnic Media Services panel with youth activists, to understand teen dating violence in the Asian American community, its signs, and how to ultimately prevent it.
These signs of abusive relationships are often not discussed in families or taught to youth, preventing victims from recognizing that their relationship is abusive. And many other factors affect the prevalence of dating violence specifically in teens.
The COVID-19 pandemic only worsened these existing problems. Armaan Sharma, a student activist with Safe Alternatives to Violent Environments (SAVE), observed that quarantine and isolation caused significant increases in mental health issues and social media use among teens, changing the ways in which dating violence manifests.
“Just as COVID has evolved with all its new variants, so has teen dating violence,” she says.
"We are fighting for a vaccine, so we should be fighting for more prevention."
Open and respectful dialogue about dating and relationships between parents and teens is key to keeping kids safe in their relationships, says Armaan Sharma.
Kim’s abuser, she said, used common abusive manipulation tactics to keep her trapped in the relationship. These included “love bombing,” or showering the victim with overwhelming amounts of affection; controlling the victim through violence, anger and jealousy; monopolizing the victim’s time, preventing them from having non-romantic relationships with others; or calling them names.
The result is a complete collapse of the victim's self-esteem, self-worth and confidence.
"What people don't understand is that manipulation tactics work. There's a reason coercion, intimidation and degradation go together... in an abusive relationship," she says.
These tactics culminate in a “domestic violence cycle” that often keeps victims trapped in abusive relationships, she says. The cycle begins with a tension-building phrase, where the victim feels like they are walking on eggshells to avoid angering the abuser.
But inevitably a violent incident happens. Afterwards, however, the abuser will apologize and reconcile with the victim. This honeymoon phrase reminds the victim why they fell in love with the abuser; the abuser will also show remorse and responsibility, such as giving gifts or promising to go to therapy. Instead, however, the cycle repeats itself.
As a result, the victim will remain with the abuser, convinced that the violent incident was a one-time event. And even if the victim decides to leave, Kim says, she will be in danger, as the abuser will try to maintain the relationship.
“Parents… need to understand that dating is something that could potentially be unavoidable.”
Asian American teens face additional barriers to opening up discussions about dating, consent, and intimacy.
Many Asian American teens who are children of immigrants may find it especially difficult to report dating violence. They may feel especially pressured to succeed and show the positive parts of their lives. The problems their parents faced when coming to the United States seem to “overwhelm” their own relationship issues.
Immigrant parents may also be unfamiliar with where to report teen dating violence when it occurs. And language differences can make it difficult for teens to even explain what's happening.
“How do you translate terms like domestic violence or love bombing or gaslighting into this language? It’s difficult,” Kim says. “It’s already such a sensitive topic, and you don’t know how your parents are going to react.”
This lack of discussion is also prevalent among cultures with dating taboos, such as the South Asian community, Sharma notes. He notes that while Indian parents in the US are generally more open to dating, there is still a “lack of dialogue” about relationships and dating violence among teens.
“Parents, especially South Asian parents, need to understand that dating is something that could potentially be unavoidable,” Sharma said. “That’s where relationship education and team dating violence comes in, because I’m sure parents would rather have… children in safe relationships rather than unsafe relationships.”
The broader environment of anti-Asian racism also plays a significant factor. East and Southeast Asian women, for example, are often hyper-fetishized and seen as submissive to violence and abuse.
However, the foundations for teen dating violence and abuse are also laid within the home. Many Asian elders do not display intimacy or discuss romantic relationships at all. But Kim notes that domestic violence, especially against women, is normalized and little discussed. And when abusive tactics are seen as a natural part of romantic relationships, they can be especially difficult to unlearn.
"Many women who grow up seeing their own mothers abused think it's normal because they never go away," Kim said.
“So when you’re experiencing something — like an abusive relationship — you think, ‘This must be normal. This is what love is. This is what marriage is, what a relationship is.’ And a lot of the responsibility to undo the damage … falls on women.”
All of those factors make it difficult to start essential conversations about intimate partner violence. Kim says the Asian-American community is one of the hardest for her to engage in conversations with. A central reason was judgment: When she shared her story, for example, it was often used as gossip or as an example of why children should avoid relationships or sex before marriage altogether.
“Instead of treating my story with compassion and care, my story was this example of why not to engage in various behaviors,” she recalls.
«Teen dating violence takes over a town. It is not the teenager's burden to bear.»
Megan Tanahashi, communications director for the California Partnership to End Domestic Violence, says teens understand their peers' experiences better than adults, making them excellent advocates for violence prevention.
Advocates say the key to combating teen dating violence is prevention.
Parents play a critical role in intimate partner violence prevention efforts. Kim recommends that parents begin teaching children about healthy boundaries and consent as early as they can. Middle school is the ideal age to begin conversations about relationships and intimacy. Doing so ensures that teens feel comfortable talking to their parents about any harm they experience.
However, Kim emphasizes, parents are not the only trusted adults who can intervene in cases of teen dating violence.
"It's not just about parents, but also about other adults, educators, teachers, relatives, football coaches: all these people have a very important role to play because teenage dating violence takes over a village. It's not the teenager's burden to bear."
Educators and schools are key to teaching young people about healthy and abusive relationships. But current curricula rarely cover these skills. Sharma recalls that only one class at her high school covered relationships; sex education classes typically focus on sexually transmitted diseases and related topics. As a result, young people may not be able to recognize signs of abusive relationships in themselves or their peers.
“Relationships are relevant to every person. I couldn’t say the same about calculus,” Sharma says. “So while teaching about relationships may not fall into conventional schooling norms in the United States, let alone anywhere else, those norms need to change.”
Meanwhile, workshops like the “Building Healthy Relationships” training that Kim teaches in schools bridge that gap. “Building Healthy Relationships” covers red and green flags in relationships and teaches teens to recognize healthy and unhealthy behaviors. This allows them to not only recognize those flags in their own lives, but also help their friends and peers.
A key part of the training, Kim says, is learning about consent and boundaries. Many teens don’t know that consent still exists, even if they’re in a relationship. As a result, they may feel pressured to do things they’re not comfortable with. But because consent isn’t taught in schools, Kim says, many teens she worked with didn’t learn these important facts until they attended the training.
“There’s this ideology where a lot of teenagers believe that if you’re in a relationship, you have a right to the other person’s body. And what they don’t realize is that even in a relationship, you own your own body,” she says. “Consent doesn’t just come freely.”
Education is not only important to prevent teens from entering into violent relationships, but also to prevent abusers from learning violent behaviors in the first place. Teen dating violence is often framed as a “cycle of violence” in which hurt people hurt other people in turn. But Kim says the rhetoric detracts from the accountability of abusers and the real causes of violent behavior.
According to her, a more accurate phrase is: "Violence is learned."
“They see their parents being abusive, they see peers bullying each other, they see depictions of violence or domestic violence in the media… and they learn that,” she adds. “And they may not see a lot of repercussions… so they take those behaviors and replicate that violence, that cycle, on other people in their lives.”
The causes of teen dating violence are multifaceted, as are the ways to prevent it. In addition to education, Sharma emphasizes the importance of investing in mental health care and funding targeted programs, especially in disadvantaged communities. However, she also notes that it is critical for everyone — not just youth, women, or people who identify as LGBT who are disproportionately affected by dating violence — to be involved in prevention efforts.
“We can’t just sit back and watch our youth get hurt by these platforms and say, ‘Oh well, there’s nothing we can do about it now,’” she says. “No, there literally is. It’s called prevention.”
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233, or by texting “START” to 88788. The Hotline also offers education and support for young people ages 13-26. They can be reached via live chat at www.loveisrespect.org, by phone at 1-866-331-9474, or by texting LOVEIS to 22522.
This article was originally published by AsAmNews.
This publication was supported in whole or part by funding provided by the State of California, administered by the California State Library.
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