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Editorial office. Peninsula 360 Press [P360P].
Wilma and Ricardo divorced this year after six months of confinement after spending 16 years sleeping in the same bed. They have a daughter, Carolina, three dogs, two parrots, two cats and an anthill that they got for Caro on her birthday.
Ricardo had an affair last year and, although they had decided to give each other one last chance, the confinement ended up annihilating what was left of their relationship.
Was it adventure or was it confinement that ended up untying the ties of love after so many years?
A study of married life during confinement and extramarital relationships addresses several topics, including sex, stress, dating during a pandemic, thoughts about the future of marriage, monogamy, and divorce.
We give you 5 keys to manage your marriage and (possible) infidelity during the pandemic:
You be the one to initiate sex
Wear something sexy or something you know your partner likes. Start by looking for some kind of contact or throwing a look. Maybe some words you know will trigger the other one and prompt him/her to play.
Being locked up doesn't mean we spend all day like bunnies. The 58 % of married people who date outside of marriage comment that their spouse has not initiated any sexual intimacy during quarantine. It is not surprising then that 75 % of the unfaithful have less sexual intercourse than usual or none at all with their spouse.
When sex is so important, yet so unattainable in marriage, people will inevitably look for another place to have their needs met. Since confinement, marriages have had to spend the longest period of time with their spouses, and not be able to leave! Clearly, the answer is in your hands. If sexual pleasure is not on the menu, it will go to another restaurant that serves it... and warmly.
Trust and instill confidence in your partner in times of uncertainty and stress, do not resort to third parties
Ricardo felt anxiety, worry and fear, frustration and anger. Wilma boredom. But both felt discomfort and uncertainty caused by the pandemic and confinement. With the bad news and the third wave the country is in, it is hard to stay positive.
However, Ricardo felt great relief when his infidelity began, it is a great distraction, something he longed for and something that allows him to maintain a sense of normalcy.
It could even be said that infidelity is a reliable form of personal care, for Ricardo, since his state of mind increased and he is not alone, as is the case with many infidels, according to the study on married life and infidelity during the pandemic.
It's the same with sex, if you don't open up to your partner and tell them your fears and uncertainties, your deepest desires and share your state of mind, you'll have to put it somewhere else. In the same way, you must leave the door open so that your partner feels confident to deposit what he or she has inside you.
Only you are responsible for your happiness, not your partner
The myth is that of the fairy tale where your spouse must be your main and only confidant, BFF (best friend forever), lover, haven of peace and also dress in blue to save you from every problem you face or from the other side, dress in pink and wait patiently, docile and quietly for the storm to pass; it must stop at once.
The pandemic has definitely changed the way we interact with others, in some ways, for the better.
Avoiding COVID-19 infection leaves you with few alternatives, since the best thing to do is to stay at home and get away from people. This makes interaction with your partner difficult, since you tend to overload yourself to do absolutely everything with just one person. Those of you who are married may have realized that you cannot depend on your spouse for everything, and this bubble is a way of meeting your various needs.
Happiness can only be found in yourself, and burdening your partner with such responsibility will only aggravate the situation. Think that when you met you were happy, together yes, but you were happy before he or she came. Besides, you owe it to yourself.
Another alternative to happiness
An alternative, with all the risks that they imply, could be to create a healthy social bubble for socializing and personal fulfillment. However, creating the bubble necessarily implies a previous selection and forces us to think about what we need and who can give it to us. When you are alone, who do you call? When you need fun, who do you want to see? When you want passion, who do you look for? Perhaps the answers indicate that it will be a different person for each situation.
There is no one person who can offer fulfillment in all aspects of life, not even a spouse. Perhaps times are beginning to come up with new ways of building sex-affective relationships where there is no longer room for monogamy.
Lara Ferreiro, an expert psychologist in sexuality and couples therapy says that:
"In times of pandemic, it is the lover who is meeting and attending to the emotional and sexual needs of many, not the partner. Even spending more time together than ever with your partner is not enough to match everything your lover offers you. In them they find not only a physiological outlet; their lover is their confidant and their main emotional support that helps them to cope with the current situation in their home. Monogamy is a concept that no longer works for many, and is beginning to be questioned and even revised.
Let's not talk about opening up your marriage, but what do we do about infidelity then? In the end, maybe the affair is a way to avoid divorce
What a hoax! Before the altar one never promises to spend 24 hours a day every day glued to one's partner without leaving home.
It is understandable that new tensions, stress and even some arguments at home have surfaced, as couples in marriage now spend more time together since the confinement began than they ever did since they met. As a result, divorce consultations have increased by as much as 25% according to The National Law Review. But the unfaithful go their own way. For them, divorce is the last thing on their minds, and they thank their alternative relationship for it.
This was not the case for Wilma and Ricardo, who after the deception only saw the solution of separating definitively. But one cannot help but wonder if for many others, an affair, an affair, is not the escape valve required, from time to time, to save the marriage.